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[27 Sep 2009|10:03pm] |
so today/this week sucks.
mums in denial about all my mental health problems and its causing me to get into trouble.
my friend said im good at relapsing and i only cut/harm myself when im medicated.
and that she thinks id still be overdosing if i wasnt in therapy,she said it wouldnt of gotten to suicide just yet just attempts still.
alot more has happened but its triggering so im not posting till im ready.
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[26 Sep 2009|11:31pm] |
why wont my parents believe i have mental health problems.there calling depression a thing you can grow out of as "everyone gets depressed once in a while and they just do something they enjoy to get themselves out of it" and how i dont need to be medicated and how im lying and making it all up and how i shouldnt be suicidal or depressed as "i have a perfect life" or how i dont have a personality disorder [non specified rn] all i have to do "is just grow up and except that i cant have everything i want or always get my own way. "
yes im doing well in college,yes i have a house and a best friend,yes i have clothes and make up and a job where they love me.etc
but it doesnt help if i hate everything about myself and wish i wasnt here anymore.
i hurt myself last night and had to bullshit myself out of it today as "if your harming yourself again youll be in trouble." were my mums kind words.
thanks mum for being supportive,now im not going to explain the whole background thats happened to me as i dont trust how you'll take it.
ill just live with you moaning at me for going to therapy,cutting myself, hurting myself etc.
its easier this way.
yes i know grandma was hooked to valium in the past but shes not me.
-rant,reply if you want, im off to bed.-
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[13 Sep 2009|10:01am] |
please teach me to get up slowly somethings wrong with my body and i keep going dizzy if i get up to fast or walk to far.
i fell in the bath last time.
school starts tomorrow [scarred]
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[08 Sep 2009|10:55pm] |
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i just want to disappear forever.
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[04 Sep 2009|11:07pm] |
"Let’s play this game called “when you catch fire”
I wouldn’t piss to put you out, no
Stop burning bridges and drive off of them
So I can forget about you"
"you can thank your lucky stars,everything i wish for will never come true."
"Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say"
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[01 Sep 2009|12:58pm] |
bad day today.
1.bros covered in spots from being allergic from penicilin.
2.best friend didnt get in till 10 am today when we were supposed to be going out at 10am as she was clubbing all night so cancelled on me like she always does.
3.dad just sent my bday card 3 months late.
4. maintained for 4 days even with a little help.
5. depressed so eating candy which i know im just going ot harm myself for. [turned too 2 bags.]
6. i cant stop crying
7 IM OLD.
8. i dont want school to start on the 14th.
9. im tired due to my monsters,and im sick of falling asleep at 4pm.
10. im an attention seeking little whore whos fat fat fat. daddy calls me fat anyway so it must be true.
11. laxatives have stopped working so here i am so fucking fat with all this shit in me,reminding me who im not worthy of it.
i hate myself.
why am i such a failure,dont tell me im not i am i know i am even my brother tells me i am.
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[26 Aug 2009|09:43pm] |
if anyone has these albums please send me the download to it:
. Tinchy stryder - catch 22
. Cascada - evacuate the dancefloor [album]
. Sean paul
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| Writer's Block: Kindness of Strangers |
[25 Aug 2009|11:18pm] |
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No,as i dont believe that a person will go to heaven if a part of their body is missing.
hence why i dont give blood,i wont be giving up my organs when i die either.
im being buried as a whole as well.
i believe that if they cut you up and re sew you then you wont get into heaven.
ive already told my family of my plans and to not give up my organs.
i wouldnt take someone elses organs as a transplant either.
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[23 Aug 2009|10:15am] |
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so im going to update you on me and whats happening right now with me.
so its the summer holidays and ive been eatting normally as my parents and doctors believe i will be happier /healthier and wont have my ed if i eat 3 healthy meals a day.
my mums in charge of it .
being purging and abusing laxatives daily [its got so bad now that i get sickness when i consume the laxatives and stomach ache while its in my stomach and when i have a motion.]
ive gained over the 6 weeks.
yet my boss is saying ive lost but i believe the scales rather than all of them.
im having rows with family.
and laxatives/fasting are the way they dont happen.
im kind of in therapy but not really mum says its taking to long and messing everything up so i havent seen her since june.
im planning on liquid fasting all sept/oct/nov/dec. my stats are so high now.
ill have to eat dinner some nights but im going to restrict it or be asleep or be too busy with college work as i qualify in june.
lunch i will be able to skip i'll just go to the library they never ask me to go to the cafe with them anyway.
and breakfast i leave to early so i dont have time to eat.
ive just got to be careful so i dont pass out or that my friend catches on,shes already bitching about my laxative usage.
she thinks i've stopped cutting aswell... i've been avoiding swimming with her all summer so she doesnt see my knees.
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[28 Jul 2009|08:01am] |
your fat... fat fat why cant you gain control your as fat as a pig elizabeth.
even a child you teach told you you were pregnant and you still binge and eat thn laxative attack your body and purge.
YOU WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH IF YOU DONT STOP THIS...
NEVER WILL YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH.
do you want to be loved and be happy and have friends or be this fat pig oinking all over the street.
your a failure you need to fix this.
the 14th sept needs to come asap.
if you dont do something soon you can kiss it all goodbye.
you wont make it to see your 21st birthday.
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[26 Jul 2009|09:07pm] |
and i go and open my big mouth and dig a hole which im stuck in now.
its a win/lose battle.
tell him or dont.
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[19 Jul 2009|07:16am] |
recovery starts on friday...im shitting my pants.
im doing okay eating wise.
it could be better,could be worse.
tell me it will be okay.
recover that is.
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[17 Jul 2009|07:40pm] |
why am i never good enough.
I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.
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[11 Jul 2009|11:33pm] |
"IF YOU WANT TO SEE SOMETHING AMAZING...LOOK IN THE MIRROR."
keep climbing the hill to reach the rainbow of happiness at the other end.
i love you all
keep safe.
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[30 Mar 2009|01:20pm] |
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